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broken notions of ... this
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|
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| ...so long ago. |
[20 Jul 2006|12:11am] |
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yeah. my lj is jacked up. i know it is... but I dont know how to fix it. anyone, anyone? anyway... not much has been going on with me. I basically live in myspace, now. ahahah, I joined the trend! anyway, yeah. im a loser. Bobby's at work right now. it makes me sad. ;x
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| ... It all falls down. |
[05 Feb 2006|12:34am] |
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If there is any word, it is most definitely cheated. Sometimes, I wonder if life is just full of shit. And then I realize... I know life is full of shit. So why am I wondering? Who knows, though. I just wish I could clean up the shit. I wish I could erase the past two years. I wish I would've taken everything more seriously... I wish I would've thought of the consequences of my actions. Funny, because I'm still the only one out of almost everyone I know that does think about the consequences of their actions. I mean... Did anyone think of the consequences of their actions before they cheated or lied? No... And now, I wonder if taking him back was the wrong decision. We still can't get along, we fight even more... We just resolve the fights more quickly. Is this a step forward or a step back? I never know where I'm going in this relationship. I feel like it's been totally ruined by recent events and sometimes, I feel like it's been made stronger... But at the moment, I don't feel strong enough to keep trying to make it work. I just want to give up and then it'd be me and Ashtyn, but in order to keep us seperated romantically, he would have to be out of my life completely and because of Ashtyn, that won't happen... And now, I'm stuck in this vicious cycle... Where I always end up with him. He's not mature enough for this relationship and I think, sometimes, I'm just too mature for it. And I wonder... Will it ever be... good? Will this relationship ever make me happy? If we keep working, will I ever stop hating him just a little bit? And hating myself, too? And my life... I don't think I'll ever stop hating it. I've lost just about everything I dreamed of and now, being a mom just... holds me back. I feel like no matter what, no matter what dreams I pursue, being a mom has to come first... Like I can never ever put myself first again and I guess that's how selfish I really am... But I am so depressed that I will never be able to put myself before everyone ever again. My dreams will never be first, my wants, my needs... I was barely getting to have fun. The summer before last was the best of my life and just because I had some freedom and even if I made the wrong choices, I had so much fun being young and irresponsible... And I feel robbed. Cheated. Being a mom is monumental... But I wouldn't say it's fun. Loving her is intense and enjoyable... But not fun. This isn't what I wanted for my life and I regret so many of my choices and decisions... And I don't know what to do. I accept it all most of the time but then I get into a mood and I just think... God, is this it? Just being a mom, taking care of someone else for the rest of my life? When she's old enough to take care of herself, all of my friends will be married with the same life and then... The life they have now, the life I WANT... will be over. And I feel like this is it, forever... And it depresses me that this is it. In 8th grade, we learned these things, I dont remember what they were called, but Mrs. Anderson taught us... And one of them was "THIS IS IT!" And I tried to take it seriously... But I didn't get it. Now, I get it. There are NO second chances. This is LIFE. One shot... And I took it for granted. And I hate myself for it. And I could keep trying to explain, but I just keep saying the same thing over and over... I made a mistake, I hate my life, I'm so disappointed, I'm so depressed... But it will never change. Usually, I dont even think about it... But when I think about drastic change, like being on my own, again, alone... I think... If only things were different... Then I wouldn't be so unhappy.
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| .... and? |
[29 Jan 2006|03:21pm] |
And as I grow weaker, in my desperation,
I cry... I need you. And I hate myself for it.
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| ... so delusional. |
[21 Jan 2006|02:48pm] |
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I don't know what to do, anymore. I feel so lost, so incomprehensible. I feel like a language no one knows. I feel... broken. I can't remember ever having felt this way. There is no hope, nothing. My confidence... Gone. My pride, erased. My person... changed. I will never be the same for this and I regret having to be forced through this hurt. I am so confused... I hate her. I hate her.
here she is. everything I'm not.
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| Guess what! |
[14 Jan 2006|12:27am] |
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We broke up... And he had sex with her. He admits it, he admits fucking that bitch. I am so pissed, right now. Danielle schemed and plotted to get them together, alone, and she did and that bitch came onto him and he just let her... Excuse me, but can someone tell me what I did wrong, here? I have wronged neither of them. I gave up my life to have his baby because I loved him. I fucking endured all of the boyfriends that came before me and all of the drugs and all of the bullshit and she fucking pulls this shit? I hope they know that things between us will never be the same. I hope they know exactly how they've hurt me and exactly how much I hate them both. I hope they know how much I hate them. I hate them... I regret having her in my life so much and I regret giving him my heart after months and months of insecurity. They've just fucked me over.
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| The End....? |
[13 Jan 2006|05:01pm] |
We broke up.
I don't know what to do.
What should I do?
`` I'm falling down, I'm falling down, and you're not there to break my fall. I shut my eyes when you're around, I hold my breath to kill the sound... ``
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| Crazed and Betrayed. |
[07 Jan 2006|02:45pm] |
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So I have come to the conclusion that trust is the biggest mistake one can possibly make. In my honesty, my time as a jaded, scheming, hating human being, I still haven't wronged those that are truly close to me in any way that will leave permanent scarring, but those closest to me feel the need to do so to me. I put so much trust in those I thought I could and I found out the hard way that at the slightest retreat from that closeness, that security of "best friends", they will betray you... They will stab you in the back with the most vengeance they can muster. I figured it wouldn't ever be a problem, her coming between us, but she implanted herself there due to her own jealousy and regret at not having someone of her own... And I guess the old saying stands true; "If I can't have it, no one can." Well, hate to burst your bubble, dear, but just because no one loves you doesn't mean that no one loves me. So thank you, Danielle, for attempting to persuade my boyfriend to leave me due to her jealousy and then, at the sign of his not desiring to leave me, she then attempted to persuade him to cheat on me with her new best friend. I can't help but wonder if she was only doing that at her friend's prodding because that's the only friend she has, now, or because she truly did want to tear us apart. I find it disgusting that she would choose me of all of her so-called friends to sabotage because, as you all know, I have a baby with Bobby and we have enough problems within ourselves without her attempting to come between us. I can't imagine what she was thinking or why she would force that slut between us, but she's trying, even after he's made it clear that he doesn't want to do that. I guess I wasn't supposed to know, but I've known for the past 3 weeks. I only thought that Amber was the one pursuing Bobby until I realized that Danielle has been pressuring Bobby to sleep with her. I trust Bobby and I know he hasn't done anything with her, but I am very disappointed... "Aint it funny how everything you swore would never change is different now?" Yeah. I suppose I really can't trust anyone and I will withdraw my personal status to everyone. I will guard myself more avidly and I will pay more attention to the deceit everyone has upon their lips. I have done nothing to warrant this behavior... And there are no excuses when it comes to her. I am truly angry. If you'd like a more emotional (a more cruel) rendition, check my latests myspace blog. I am not happy at my vehemence, but it is who I am. ... Am I honestly wrong to be angry? Wouldn't any girl be angry? Especially if you'd been friends with this girl for over 5 years? She will come back at this with excuses, with justification, but I know there is none and there is no forgiveness. I never put Bobby before her, I never blew her off to spend time with him, I was always the median. Even when she couldn't make time for me when she was with Chris, I came back. When she couldn't control her sexual escapades, I stayed with her. When she acted slutty and asked me, sobbing, "Why does everyone think I'm such a slut?", I stayed... But she's gone too far, I guess. I hope she realizes her mistake. I may not be the best friend to have, but I am the worst enemy one could possibly make. And the best part is that I keep her close through Bobby... I keep my enemies closer. Yeah. She's a bitch.
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| // bad time |
[01 Jan 2006|03:34pm] |
`` Keep it cool, she doesn't want to lose it... ``
I hate myself. Ugh. I went to the mall the other day, Friday, to go shopping. I had a $100 gift card to Cherryvale, a $25 gift card to Cherryvale, $45 to Khol's, and $65 cash and guess what? Right after I spent the $100 at Hollister, I went to JC Penny... and some fucking bitch stole my Goddamned purse! I'm so angry. They didn't even ditch the purse itself after stealing the money or anything, so I Don't have a driver's liscence, a social security card, any of my christmas presents, or anything. So I'm super pissed. Why do people have to be that way? I'm just so angry, I can't even describe it. All my Christmas presents, gone... And now I have to pay money to get my liscence and my SS card again... I was so angry. I lost all my makeup and even my deoderant, because that was in there, too, and my clubcali card and my replay card and my wallet picture of ashtyn... even my library card. They could totally steal my identity and I'm going to be so pissed. I think I know who did it, too, because Bobby said she was the only one in the area we were in and she disappeared right after I realized my purse was gone... It was some black chick in a camouflage jacket and jeans. I swear. I'm so effin pissed. What a way to ruin my fucking Christmas.
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| } keep it quiet... |
[28 Dec 2005|12:17pm] |
`` Pay attention ``
Well, my Christmas was alright, I guess. I got a photo printer that works with all different kinds of digital cameras as long as they have a memory card. It's really cool. You can put little picture frames with pooh and the disney princesses on it. It's neat. You can do everything, even make it black and white, sepia, crop, brightness, saturation, auto-correct and even make half-sheet, wallets, and photo proof pages. Yeah. So I'm having fun with that one. When I find something to take good pictures of, I'm going to work on my photography. I also got $125 to the mall and $150 cash. I got some earrings and gloves and I also got a blue-topaz and diamond ring from my mom and of course, the diamond ring from Bobby (!!). I'll post a picture of it. And Ashtyn. I haven't posted pictures in so long. lol. Anyway, I was really happy about Bobby's outcome from Christmas. My grandparents didn't get him anything, but my mom spent a lot on him. $200+! He got a new, really nice flat screen 20" TV. It's really sharp looking. And he also got $100 to the mall. I was really happy he got some money to go shopping with. My man is so metro. LoL. He also got a book on Kurt Kobain's murder, which he was happy about. My dad got him $50 to EB games and he was supposed to save it to buy a used PS2, but he just bought us both a game (I got Harry Potter!). lol. I bought him a track jacket that he really likes, Kirra cologne, and Saw the movie. He liked it. Yeah. That's it. Ashtyn got a Jumperoo but she doesn't like it. Maybe she needs to get a little bigger. ;x Pictures.
( Gentleman don't ask questions... )
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| } so wipe me off the floor... |
[21 Dec 2005|12:16pm] |
`` And throw me away... ``
Sometimes, the people you think you can count on are the ones you really can't. There's a sickness between us and it's a cancer... Incurable. There's a distance, a hatred she approves within our selves and there's nothing I'm willing to do to change that. There's no peace, no happiness, no nothing but cruelty and differentiating views on who's correct, which I will state in all my elegance, is me. How can you promise time to someone and in front of them, after a bump in plans, make plans with someone else to do something you don't approve of and then just abandon you? And a little later mention, "I could've done what we wanted to do, but I didn't want to and I spent all my money. Oops!" Yeah, some friend. Why offer in the first place if you're just going to repent on your offer? And then have the nerve to call me selfish. Well, not only have you disappointed me completely, immeasurably, but now, supposedly, you throw the drug away for a boy and not a friend? Now that's the most bullshit I've ever heard. I despise this drug, I hate it; I've watched it hurt so many people including myself and she refuses to stop for me... And this new boy, he doesn't do drugs and all of a sudden, you're quitting everything? Rediculous. Purely rediculous. There's a sickness. An illness. A cancer. And it's spreading fast because I don't appreciate being underappreciated. She claims I don't listen, I'm never there for her... Funny because I always listen. When I disagree, I don't even SAY anything for fear of hurting her precious, sensitive little feelings. I am the epitome of a good friend, excluding my jealousy streak... But the best thing about me is I can admit my faults whereas she still maintains that she has none, that she's perfect and that there's nothing wrong with her way of doing things. She is just like the rest of the girls I know, abandoning what they think is right and true and fun for a stupid, TEMPORARY boy. Whatever, though. She is the one that is the worse of the two of us. I suffer daily from the consequences pressed upon me, from this life I live, the one I didn't want and only kept for the love of another, and yet... She has the gall to say I don't listen, I'm never there for her and she's TRYING so hrd to be there for me. I dont believe that. If she cared for me at all, she wouldn't lie to me constantly. "I don't like Amber, she bugs me so much!" "Amber is my second best friend, Bobby!" "I want to do this with you." "I never wanted to do it. She pressured me into it!" "We can't find it, so I'm going to do ****." "I could've gotten it, but I spent all my money on ****." Okay. The truth leaks out. And who's in the wrong? Mentioning how bad I want to do something is not pressure. "C'mon, c'mon, what're you scared of? Please, just do it!" is pressuring. Whatever. I'm sick of being the villian, the bad guy, constantly the one in the wrong when I know I did nothing wrong by being angry about her abandoning me. If the situation were backwards, you know that she would be just as angry as I would and I would probably acknowledge that what I did was wrong. The worst part is that she lied and blamed me. Whatever... "You keep running from the truth and someday, it's going to stick it's ugly face in yours and say, 'BOO!'" Yep. Isn't that true? Who knows... Because that's right, I'm a bitch for wanting someone to understand my problems, my secrets, my anger... And putting my boyfriend between us, of course. And another thing I've wondered about, of course, at the mention of others... He claims she mentions, "I love you" a lot in his direction. Funny, she never says it around me. She never even says it to me. And the other night, in the midst of their relaxtion, she cuddles him, laying her head upon his chest. Funny how that one time she was drunk and I wasn't around, she professed to liking Bobby before I came into the picture. Just kind of makes me wonder... And of course, when we show any type of affection for one another, she gets angry and tells us to stop, which isn't cool because she'd do it in front of us. And still, she hates it when we fight and then we make up. She always seems to want us to break up... But please, dearest friend, don't be angry at me... This is all just what I've heard. I can't believe I trusted so much and now, look... Betrayed. But it's not the first time, just like that time she "blurted out" the truth to the counselors and I was in so much trouble... Betrayal. Always. Forever there. I accept her apologies and she can't even offer any. So... I guess that's it.
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| } bruised&broken |
[12 Dec 2005|04:22pm] |
`` You cut me open ``
There's so much shit going on, I can barely handle it all. I've felt so trapped lately, so confined inside failure that I haven't really been motivated to do anything as of late. I can't even get into this 700 page book I'm reading. I desperately wish my life would just... smooth out. I'm so sick of tripping in all the potholes and falling on my face. I used to be a graceful person, someone who handled most situations with elegance and poise, but now I feel as though I've lost that part of me. I'm not graceful or composed. Half of the time, I'm just a smile and a quiet presence. There's nothing in this world that can transform me back. I jaded myself and I regret it so much. I just wish people could understand. I wish I could tell the truth, not be judged. I wish people weren't so cruel.
I wish people weren't so crazy. My mom, certain people, friends, relatives. It's just rediculous. I feel like everyone is obsessed with their own lives and when I stand in the middle of a crowd, I feel like I'm the only one that sees the big picture. I mean, of course everyone is obsessed with their own lives up to a certain extent, but I think most people lose sight of the fact that there is always someone out there that has it worse. That's the only thing that keeps me going.
I wish I had courage. I wish I were a public speaker. If I could speak in front of hundreds of people, I'd show them my life... Show them the damage I've done to my life and make it REAL... show them how it can happen to anyone. All of those sayings, don't take things for granted, it can happen to you, etc... They're real. I didn't want kids, EVER. But I have one. I took my freedom, my prized possessions for granted, and I lost them. I'd tell people how drugs ruin so much if you get in too deep (which, for the record, I never was, but I've watched it happen to so many) and how sex isn't just fun and how high school really is the most important thing in your life at the age you're at. I wish I could force everyone to watch my life, to see how much I cry sometimes, because it's so hard... So much harder than even I thought it would be. It's hard to adjust, to feel so bad, so feel... alone. I have a baby and no one else I know does... And no matter how close people get, I will always be alone, set apart, and most of my friends have faded from the set already. The few friends I have enjoy partying... which is hard for me to do, right now. I just wish I would've listened to everyone. I just wish I wouldn't have been so headstrong... I just wish I wouldn't have failed. I just wish everyone would REALIZE... when you mess up once, it's so hard to stop, it's so hard to get on the right track. And kids are so hard. SO hard, no matter how bad you wan't them... And one little fuck up and you'll lose them faster than you can blink. Kids require strength, financial stability, stability in general, composition, schedule, help, and patience... None of which those things I have. It's so much harder than it looks. So much harder... It seems like no one believes me, but sometimes, I hate my life.
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| /O.... |
[25 Nov 2005|04:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
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music |
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falloutboy/dancedance |
] |
`` I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me... ``
Things have seemed... to fade as of late. I've discovered other problems that make my life more interesting, other things that hurt me. As far as the shit between the authorities, it's nearly nonexistant. I haven't heard from them in ages and I'm beginning to wonder what's going on. But I'm not going to ask them to come back. It'd be nice if they just disappeared, but... Christmas is coming. I'm grounded from the computer, too, until I can pay Doug (mystepdad) the $120 I owe him. And our cell phone is broken, therefore leaving us with a bill of about $140... Bobby got a job at McDonald's. He got paid $80 today, but he owed Danielle $20 and he's buying a bottle tonight for the party and that's leaving us with about $40 and I except to get $20 from my mom, therefore couting as $60 towards Doug. His next check will count towards paying the cell bill and then cancelling it, demanding another $150 for the cancellation fee... I don't know if we're going to cancel it, though. Maybe we will just have to buy a new phone. I don't know. I miss my computer. Ugggh. The library doesn't allow you to use Myspace, either, so it kind of sucks.
Apart from that, I feel like such a failure. I can't save any money because we owe so much, I can't find a job for my life, and I just can't seem to find any happiness in anything. Ashtyn is so beautiful, so perfect, and I love her so much... I love Bobby, too, and I've learned to draw strength from them in a way I never have before, but it doesn't pay the bills and that's the biggest problem I have, rigt now. Once we get a car, it will be easier, but not a ton. I don't know... I feel completely sickened with myself, with my life. There's this home-schooling program that I could go through that costs about $350 for one year, which is all I would have to complete (and it wouldn't take that long, either, since you work at your own pace and I could definitely work my ass off and finish early) but I don't think my mom will pay for it... I don't know. David's been writing me from the army, too. He wants to come see me. I'm nervous... What happened to the person I used to be?
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| /OO... ? |
[01 Nov 2005|10:19am] |
`` Before you lock my love away... ``
Mysteriously, I find no resolve, no reprieve, no escape... Only the hard, cold steel bars on my imprisonment. Though my heart longs for breaking, I find only breaking in the reality that I am wedged between a hard place and a rock. My breathing is halted, broken, and creased... And in the creases lie the truths so eloquently hidden, so elegantly poetic. I am... a facade, draped in lustrous fabric and glittering gems... All the highest bred to hide my ulgies as well as possible. What have I to show but the fakest of beauties? I am, after all, only human.
Lots of shit. I don't really want to make it public... But hey, you all know, anyway, right? Bobby went to court yesterday. He got off pretty good. Not bad, not bad. He starts McDonalds soon. Today, I'm going to go get some apps... I desperately want to be pulling some money. Other than that... Halloween was one entire year for Bobby and I. An entire year... To think, last year, at this time, I was probably sitting in class, wondering about that white smile and what kind of body was behind those baggy clothes. I was wondering what he thought of last night, of our first kiss, of the rude flirtation we shared... Of the way he needed a haircut and the glittering light behind his eyes... Of the secrets he had, though he undeniably pretended there were none... Of whether or not he was thinking the same about me.
... God, I miss wondering what he's thinking.
I miss wondering... in general.
``Where have all the cowboys gone? ``
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| /O70} ...watch my heart break |
[21 Oct 2005|09:12pm] |
`` This is how a heart breaks... ``
I wish I still had the motivation to write a lot of pretty things. I don't know what happened to my inspiration. I really need a job... If anyone know someplace that's hiring, please let me know. Everything's been so fucked up. I need to exercise some more... I want to be down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I desperately want to move out. It's fucking rediculous here. I wish I could change my life... I wish I didn't have so many regrets. Everything is so fucked up.
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| /O70} i thought it... classic. |
[01 Oct 2005|09:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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brandnew/thenoseatbeltsong |
] |
`` Is your perfect verse just a lie you tell yourself to help you... get by. ``
So my mistakes are public's gossip and my face is on the billboards... So funny. I thought I could hide my darkest hours from those people that don't need to know; those people that will only judge, only push me farther down, but I was so wrong. They criticize me, they burn me, they tear me up... I hear it in their silence. Go ahead, scream at me, berrate me, tear my resolve to shreds. At the moment, I owe beyond a hundred dollars in a phone bill when he shouldn't even be locked up. I am a coward... Go on, just say it. These past few weeks have changed me in ways nothing can. Though she may sluice through the private life living within my room, there is nothing she can do to stop the hatred burning in my soul. She invades all that I hide and corrupts my happiness in ways I can't even imagine and still expects me to understand, to love her... Dear mother, where have you been all of these years when I desperately needed help? Where were you throughout this pregnancy when I needed guidance and advice? All that exited your mouth was that I should leave Bobby... And somehow, that was supposed to make me happier? I simply don't understand why you expect me to be perfect when you create horrific flaws in my life. You ratted me out for nothing at all and turned my life upside down. You tore my family apart... Or you tried. The only thing you accomplished was tearing yourself right out. You are no family, you are nothing to me. You are emptiness, hatred, and revulsion. I hate you. Do you understand? The moment I am able to walk out the door without having to turn back, you will never see me again. I'll abuse you, use you for all you're worth. I'll steal your money and use your favors willingly. I'll take your car where I'd like to go and do things behind your back, hate you without your knowledge... But the second I never have to come back is the last second you'll see me... Too bad all you'll see is my back as I walk away. Keep all the pictures; they're all you'll have to remember me by. I have no need for family members that hate 1/3 of my family, and you do. He is everything to me, and in his absense, I've grown so completely fond of him, it's indescribable. He is so beautiful, so gorgeous, so absolutely perfect, you will never understand. How do you expect me to pick some perfect guy when the thing that I love most are his flaws? He is honest and when he states that he will change, he'll try harder, I believe him. Go ahead and tell me it's a lie, tell me they're all lies... All I ever heard from you were lies, so why should I believe you? I apologize for everything... For ever having been born. I have fallen down a spiral that is getting very near the bottom... And then I have to go up. I will never move up until I am free of you; know that. He is human, too... He is young, as well, and as teenagers, we make mistakes and we still want to act our age, but we've apparently learned that having a good time in any way, shape or form is completely unacceptable. Fine. Though I'm miserable, day in and day out, taking care of my daughter alone, with absolutely no help, I stick it out... Why? Because I have no other choice. I have nothing else to do... I can't ignore her; I can't blame her... This isn't her fault, it's yours. I don't blame myself; no other mother would have ever done to me what you've done. You did it for our safety, so we could advance... Whatever. You only did it to watch us crash and burn, you bitch... Enjoy it while it lasts, having control over me... One month and 8 days until I am legal and then you will never stop me from doing what I want. Never. You will watch me go without a shred of hurt, but when you call and there is never an answer or a call back, you'll understand. You'll realize... I don't always forgive and I will never forget... I hope your new home without us will be everything you imagined... You can stop us from seeing one another, you can tear us apart... But you can enver stop us from loving eachother and that's what matters... I apologize; I no longer have a personal journal to write in and the internet is my only outlet... It's the only place she can't find me.
`` It's only you, beautiful, or I don't want anyone... If I can choose, it's only you. ``
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| /O69} disaster |
[25 Sep 2005|05:24pm] |
`` So broken, so delicately destroyed... ``
There's so much I can't say and still, so much has happened. Bobby got caught doing some drugs and now, he lives elsewhere. If I leave, I'm not allowed to take the baby with me, either... I'm not going back to school. Everything's just falling apart. All I want to do is cry. I can't remember being this depressed in a very long time.
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| /O68} burn the sun.. |
[22 Sep 2005|11:08am] |
`` Burn the light! ``
New layout. New icon. They don't match. I hate this layout. Whatever.
More pictures of Ashtyn here. Yeah. I should set up a little comment system on that page, huh? I don't know. Whatever. My life pretty much sucks. I'm thinking about not going back to school... And if you're going to bitch about it, don't waste your time. This decision is not influenced by what anyone else says. Yeah. I just don't know if I can see the point. We need money so badly... We're scrounging to get the things we need {formula, soon we'll run out of diapers) and I know my mom won't buy me things constantly, so I think, since Bobby isn't doing a good job at... keeping a job, really, I'll have to make the sacrifice of my education for my daughter. This has to be cut short. Bye.
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| /O67} miracle |
[14 Sep 2005|11:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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silence |
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`` And I could never leave... your beautiful eyes... ``
Thursday, I went to the hospital and found out I was dialated to 3 centimeters. Thinking I was going to have a baby, I was super excited. As time passed, labor slowed and nothing really happened. Seven hours later, I went home empty handed and disappointed with all of my friends. I spent the next day not really thinking about it, expecting it to take at least a week for me to dialate fully and not really anticipating much. Friday, Danielle, Bobby and I rented a couple movies and stayed up late watching them. Of course, after I got home at 2 AM, I began having horrendous contractions that brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't talk through them and they began to come very frequently. At 3:30AM, we left for the hospital once more, only to be notified that I was dialated to 3 centimeters, just the same, and sent home once more. After coming back home around 4:30AM, I was in tears and unable to talk through contractions. The pain was... unbelievable. I won't lie -- Nothing has ever hurt so bad in my entire life. I was bawling. My mom coaxed me to breathe through the contractions and not to cry, as crying only made it worse, and I listened to her. At 9AM, I went back to the hospital, having contractions every 2-3 minutes. This time, I was lucky. I was dialated to 5 centimeters and staying in the hospital. Despite the severe pain, they did nothing for me. No medication for at least two more hours. I was dying. The contractions slowed a bit, but my labor didn't slow down. My doctor wasn't on call for the weekend, so I had a lady doctor who was really nice. I liked her a lot more than my regular doctor. Anyway, when I was dialated to 6 or 7, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural. It was so nice. It did hurt, though, and it was somewhat gross, but it made me feel wonderful. Contractions weren't more than little twinges and I felt the baby move more than I felt the contractions, so I was a happy person. Around 3, the doctor came in and checked me and said I was ready to start pushing. She left and a nurse had me do practice pushes to lower the baby into my pelvis. Around 3:20, the doctor came back and after about 20 minutes of pushing (which didn't hurt that bad at all, but felt a lot like pressure), I had my baby. At first, though, I was having trouble getting the head out because the cord was wrapped around her neck, but the doctor snipped it and there was no problems at all. When I first saw her, I won't lie, I wasn't overjoyed or tearful or happy. I was simply shocked... It was surprising to finally have to BELIEVE that there was a baby inside of me. Even now, it's hard to believe. I had an episiotomy and it hurts, now, but I'm alright and so is baby. She had Apgar scores (the sclae on 1-10 or how healthy the baby is at 1 minute and 5 minutes after birth. 7-10 is considered perfect) of 9 both times and has all of her body parts and no birth defects. There is nothing wrong with her. She weighed 6lbs, 5.5 ounces and is 20.5 inches long. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It took me a while to get used to her, to warm up to her, but since I've been home (I came home Monday) I've fallen in love with her. She is everything to me... I can't explain it. I've changed so much in the span of a couple days. There is nothing I'd give for her, now... I feel so much regret for being so upset about being pregnant. It makes my life so much harder, but she's so beautiful... I can't explain it. I just don't know what to do. I love her so much. Below is a picture and a link to more pictures if you'd like. <333
More?
I will have more pictures soon because I just adore taking pictures of her <33 I wish she could stay this age forever, though, and never get older... She's perfect at this age.
``How do I live without you? I want to know... ``
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| /O66} somebodywentandburneditdown |
[10 Sep 2005|11:07am] |
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`` I haven't seen her since God knows when... ``
I spent nearly 12 hours at the hospital yesterday. I woke up with contractions and so, after my mom and Bobby both left for school and work, I called Danielle and told her I thought I was in labor and we went to the hospital. They said I was having contractions every 4 minutes or so and my cervix was dialated to 3 centimeters and effaced to 70%... Whatever. So I laid there and walked around and ate nothing but jello and drank nothing but water and let them strap me to tons of machines and eventually, labor just... stopped and I got sent home. WHAT THE FUCK? I'm angry. It pisses me off. Why the Hell couldn't they just slip me some pitocin instead of sending me home? Because I'm fucking a week before my due date. Bitches.
They did give me a shot of diloughted, a narcotic, claiming it would wipe out my contractions if I wasn't in real labor and speed them up if I was and we would know after I fell asleep. So everyone left and then I fell asleep for about five minutes and woke up and continued to do that for two hours... I felt like shit. And my contractions didn't stop, they just slowed down... And then I didn't have one for, like, an hour and they sent me home and on the way home from the hospital, I had three. This baby is just teasing me. What a bitch.
Ugh. I feel like complete shit, now, and Danielle had to miss school and Bobby missed work and he missed work again today and now my parents are mad... Nothing is going right. I swear, I just wish I could disappear.
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| / O65} surely not your best... |
[30 Aug 2005|03:14pm] |
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`` These colors that you shine are surely not the best... ``
My baby shower was Saturday. I'm so glad I let Ashly host it. She did a really good job. She throws the best parties! She is really good at it. She could be a professional. We played games and there was prizes and good food (except the tortilla shells, lol) and I got so many awesome things! I loved everything and I had a really good time. Thanks everyone :)
I went to the doctor today. I got an ultrasound. My baby weighs 7lbs, 4 oz and is 20 inches long! So any day, I could have her, I guess. My non-stress test was good except they had to make a loud noise to see the baby's reaction and it scared her 'cause she jumped and moved all over and I felt bad, lol. I played the Sims last night. It was awesome. I miss it.
Besides that, I'm getting really effin' sick of being pregnant. ;/ My mom says two more weeks, but I was really hoping it wouldn't be that way. UGH. Someone, please... Do something? And Mobil by my house is closed and Road Ranger is making a lot of money off of their business with their outrageous price of 2.79! EVERYONE BOYCOTT ROAD RANGER! Because they are bitches. Thank you. <3
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lacerated___x's journal